Max Payne 3 Rant

Lemme tell you why I'm mad (cue EPMD song).

For the most part the media on this site is relatively inexpensive. $10 or so for an album or dvd, give or take a couple of bucks. So if every other site is saying a new video game is the greatest thing since champagne and hookers, I expect that to be true. I mean spending $60 on a game is not something I do often, so when I do it better be worth the cake.

I'm here to tell you, Max Payne 3 just raped me out of $60 bones. I can't believe sites are doling out straight 9's for this game! If you remember playing The Punisher game for Nintendo back in the day, you pretty much have played this game. In that game, you are more or less on a conveyor belt blasting enemies as they pop out and, I swear to you bro, there is a segment in the new Max Payne where you are on a boat dispatching 3rd world minorities in a near carbon copy fashion, just with better graphics. Now I'm mad, not insane and it would be lunacy to say the graphics in new MP3 aren't amazing. I mean they are some of the best I have ever seen for the PS3 hands down. A lot of the drama is beautifully depicted in the Favelas of Brazil and I caught myself thinking how the hell did they create such a detailed world. What I came up with is Rockstar must have spent a fortune on research and development in Brazil. To make sure Rockstar didn't go belly up from the expense of the Brazil R&D, they paid off every video game reviewer who has more than 5 readers. With the critics paid off they insured universal praise for the game, so suckers like me would waste money on this unimaginative, boring turd. But hey Rockstar, I didn't get my check and I'm pissed.

Let it be known, this game is NOT open world, and if you even think about altering from the narrow path, Max's annoyingly trite narrative "reminds" you to keep moving and not to explore. Not that you would find much anyway. There are no weapons upgrades, or bonuses or any type or incentive to keep playing at all. You can find pieces of "gold" weapons, which when completed, just turn your weapon gold but this doesn't do anything special for the attack. I mean what the fuck is the point of running around with a fucking gold Uzi? Games have been allowing you to buy parts for guns and special attacks and shit for a while...what the fuck Rockstar?! Y'all too cool for that?!

Yup, what you are treated to instead is "cool" visual glitches that are ripped straight from movies like Domino (circa 2006) and Crank. These little visual glitches and on screen phrases don't do anything for the story or the game as a whole. And this fucking bullet time shit is stupid. If you loved the movie 300 for slow mo action sequences maybe you can appreciate this but slow mo action scenes always made me scratch my head. I prefer action to be blazing fast, kinetic. I want to have to rewind a couple of times otherwise that defeats the purpose of "action" right? Yeah well the whole game is based around the gimick of slowing down the action so you can shoot several mugs at once. Gay! 

OK OK the music is good, the graphics are incredible and the story honestly makes you think you are watching a movie. The technical merits are super solid if you want me to be real. But I just didn't have fun playing this. Maybe it was some of the frustrating game play. There are moments when you blast shirtless thugs at point blank range with a shotgun and they just grab their stomachs like they just have a tummy ache and keep bucking at you. For a game that tries so hard to be realistic, that seems like a pretty critical oversight. Or maybe the reason why I didn't have that much fun playing this game is because I was too busy face-palming myself over some of the mind numbing dialogue. "This town had more smoke and mirrors than a strip club locker room". Seriously? You couldn't come up with a better metaphor than that convoluted mess? And that is just one of an uncountable amount of idiotic lines disguised as wit. But, I digress...the real reason I hated this game is because I was waiting for that moment when you level up, learn a new skill, upgrade your weapon, solve a puzzle, use your brain for even a second, fight a boss, do a side mission that changes game play, but that shit never happened. I waited all the way to the end of the game and realized I was just duped into buying a $60 Nintendo game.

Just so you know, since game reviews are so infrequent on this site, a game I just copped that is worth every penny is Killzone 3. Playing it with the Playstation Move Sharp Shooter is totally some other shit. I'm also looking forward to Lollipop Chainsaw but that will be for another day.

Max Payne 3 gets $4 out of $10 or whatever it costs to rent a game these days.

PS. Max, I will never forgive you for dissing House music, you can suck a dick for that.